Common Experiences Of Deconstruction - Part 2
We're jumping back into a few of the common experiences of deconstructing your faith. This is part 2 of a 3-part series, and today we're going to get into some of the more secondary stages of deconstruction. If you missed part 1, you can find it here.
Last time I left off with full on panic as a common experience of deconstruction. Let me start this article by saying, for so many of us, the early stages of deconstruction would greatly benefit from partnering with a licensed counselor or therapist to help us process the past in a healthy way. Most of what I share from here forward needs to be done from a place of healthy coping and trauma awareness. Without these skills under your belt, you can press on through these next stages and find yourself right back in another unhealthy system you will have to disentangle from later on.
Once you reestablish a compassionate understanding of your identity, questions of belief can begin to come to the surface again. Let's dig into what this might look like.
Wait, do I believe that?
As you move further into deconstruction, you might find yourself questioning a basic reflex you've held for many years. For instance, I was raised in a more conservative evangelical practice where we believed in quick, unquestioning obedience as a sign of high moral character. In my deconstruction (and thanks again to raising my kids and therapy), I started to see the value in cultivating my child's inner guidance and willpower. After all, one of my biggest hurdles to overcome in adulthood has been people-pleasing. Watching my oldest son run through life unafraid of what people think has been both baffling and inspiring and led me to question my inherited value of quick and unquestioning obedience.
Where should I look for guidance?
Being a part of a denomination or church comes along with the guarantee of trusted voices of authority. Usually, a pastor or other church leadership will point their congregants toward institutions, authors, literature, and entertainment that closely align with the approved statement of faith or bullet points on their “What We Believe" page. They can also be very clear about who NOT to listen to. They demonize voices that disagree or dissent and use fear to keep people from engaging with conflicting opinions. Let's just say, the moral majority church has been perfecting the echo chamber long before the internet was a thing. Exiting that sort of certainty can be both disorienting and overwhelming. Suddenly, there is a whole world of information and opinions out there for you to explore. Where do you even begin?
How do I discern?
Again, having the big ol' lists of approved and unapproved actions, beliefs, voices, places to visit, food to eat, cultures to respect, etc. from your church of origin means you probably didn't have to exercise your ability to discern too much. When I worked at a church, one of the things I often heard from others was the belief that they didn't know how to hear from God or discern what was right or even what might be next for them. I could get very theological on how messed up it is that the Church doesn't work to nurture people's ability to feel God's presence or trust their ability to know what is good and right, but I won't do that here. Just know that growing up in a religious environment that tells you with certainty what is right and wrong means that having to now discern for yourself is an uphill journey. It will take time to learn this skill, and that's ok.
If you find yourself relating to these experiences, the temptation will be to find another religious or systematic understanding first. My challenge to you is to keep digging deep to get rooted with yourself. If you're holding on to your belief in God, trust that the Divine is near and present with you, molding you toward wholeness as you participate. This means unfolding another layer of self-awareness – naming your values.
Having been a part of a Christian denomination means you've probably been carrying around inherited values for most of your life. You may have already experienced an internal conflict with the values you've been handed versus the values you intrinsically hold. Maybe you've noticed yourself overly triggered by an action no one else is bothered by, or you have a pet peeve that gets under your skin and no one else's, or you're experiencing burnout and emotional exhaustion you have no explanation for. When your values are unnamed and then challenged, it feels like spontaneous inner conflict - like maybe something is wrong with you. But this isn't the case!
Naming your values can help you understand why you feel so deeply about certain things, but not others. Naming your values can also help you discern what is best for you moving forward – from joining a new faith community to identifying a life-giving job. Personal values can also help you clarify parenting techniques, which non-profits you support, where you choose to live, what you choose to buy, and how you choose to use your free time.
There are plenty of people and organizations out there ready to tell you what you should value. The work is to discover what you do value. This is where I can step in and help. When you purchase my Personal Values coaching package, I work with you to discover and name your intrinsically held values. I don't prescribe, I don't suggest, instead, I offer thoughtful exercises and questions and then listen to what you're saying along the way. At the end of our work together, you'll walk away with a handful of meaningful words or short statements that will allow you to stay anchored as you continue to walk through the journey of deconstruction.
Stay tuned for the final part of this series where I’ll unpack 4 more common experiences that come along with deconstructing your faith.
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