It wasn’t until I hit my 30s that the lightbulb went off for me as I opened my Bible one morning and faced the wall of guilt that greeted me—I don’t think God wants our relationship to feel like this.

When I left my church job in 2021, I gave myself full permission to stop all of my spiritual practices cold turkey. I decided that if I started to pray, read my Bible, or prep for a church service and felt that familiar wave of guilt hit, I wasn’t ready to reengage yet.

It was the best choice I’ve made for my spiritual formation.

I start out every new year with a birthday. Just 5 days into a new year, the number that defines my time here on earth goes up. Honestly, it doesn't really feel like the new year begins until after my birthday. I don't like to go back to work before then. I don't tend to try to start resolutions before then. I just give myself the birthday gift of an extra 5 days of rest and celebration.

I also tend to do a lot of reflecting on those days. Reflection - in a more honest sense, often ruminating, comes pretty naturally to me. I love the movie Inside Out because I can remember, in my own maturing, when my islands of personality fell and were rebuilt. And I take notice of my islands of personality crashing within me even today.

My 33rd year held a lot of crashing and rebuilding.