Learning To Embrace And

This was the beginning of my discovery of the word "and."

Obviously, I knew this word and had used it quite frequently, but this was the beginning of my journey towards embracing all of the complexity bound up in that little word.

Before this moment, things, situations, and emotions in my life could be categorized. Feelings were either good or bad, actions were wise or dumb, beliefs were sure or not beliefs at all. Ors seemed to smooth the conflict and allow me steady camps and easy goals. And then this happened.

I had my first baby 7 weeks early. When I went to the hospital in labor 48 hours before this, I knew this was BAD. All bad. No ands to it, no complexity. This was too early and my body was failing. After hours of magnesium, 2 butt shots, zero food, and 48 hours went by I was suddenly, and confusingly swept up in a big world of paradox.

Caleb had arrived. In this moment I remember all the conflicting realities and little else (thanks trauma!). He was healthy, but wouldn't stay healthy without some support. His arrival felt terrifying and terrific all at once. I was overwhelmed with a surge of relief and a new wave of anxiety. I wanted to hold him close to my body forever, but I also wanted the doctors to take him and make sure he was really ok. I was in awe of my body's ability to create the life I was holding, and incredibly hurt by how my body seemed to betray this very life it had created. I was mad at God for letting this happen, and grateful for how this same God seemingly answered the prayers we lifted at the same time.

My son's premature birth was too complex for one box.

I don't remember much of the next few weeks of my life. I went right into survival mode and fought through postpartum recovery, learning to breastfeed, and NICU life. But I remember when the surge of adrenaline that carried me through those first months crashed and the realities of all I had just lived through starting staring me in the face. My biggest question was "What am I supposed to do with this?"

(Picture '"this" as me holding a huge tangled mess of something that's too valuable to just toss out because in that mess somewhere is my entire life.)

There was no category for this wild introduction to motherhood. There was no way to separate one piece from another. There was no way to precisely judge the whole thing (but oh did I try) it just was.

And there I was. Mere weeks ago, I had it all figured out. I had my faith figured out. My marriage was figured out. Motherhood was coming at the perfect time to figure that out too. My career was figured out. My dog was even figured out. Then, suddenly, nothing was figured out.

This is the point in the story where you want to read the magic thing I did to get everything all figured out again, but that's not what's next in the story. Honestly, I'm not sure how much more I have really figured out since then, but what I do know is that I've learned how to be ok when things aren't so figured around me or within me. And a lot of that has to do with embracing the "ands" of life.

Dr. Becky Kennedy is a child psychologist and gentle parenting goddess on the Instagram. She often says this: "Two things can be true."

It's such a simple thing to say, and so difficult to truly embrace because we are wired to categorize. Culturally, we lean into judgements, cynicism, and perfectionism. These mindsets demand either/or realities.

The moment in this photo shows one of the many moments in my life where the bottom has fallen out of something I thought I knew. It wasn't the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last. But this moment was the one that set me towards embracing the ANDs. It is the one that showed me "two things can be true." It is the one that introduced me to the holiness of mystery. It is the one that began to show me how being confident and content isn't married to being sure.

And now 6 years later as I am *hopefully* exiting another season of the bottom falling out of what I was once sure about, I know that I don't need to wait for things to be crystal clear before I can experience love, that joy + peace combo of contentment, confidence, compassion, kindness....whatever other beautiful things I used to think I needed to wait for ducks in a row to experience. Instead, I'm embracing the idea of Compassionate Confidence - the name I've given this paradoxical mindset of curiosity over condemnation. It's a mindset that is able to carefully hold the conflicting realities of "and" with delight.

I used to hate this picture of myself. It's not the idealized first motherhood moment picture I had painted in my expectations. It was only recently that I could look at this girl with compassion and kindness. It was very recently that I could look at the relief and terror in my expression and say, "This is the fullness of life and it is ok to experience it as such without the answers to explain it all away." I'm learning to look in the mirror with the same level of compassion for myself today too. Things aren't clear, the answers I'd like to have aren't readily available, I know I'm looking at a long road ahead, AND this is the fullness of life, it's ok for me to experience it just like this without the answers to explain it all away.

May you experience comfort outside of the categories today. May you lean into awe and mystery. May you embrace the ands in front of you.